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The Brewers Droop Tavern - Halfling Heaven Village

 
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Halfling Heaven
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 11:40 am    Post subject: The Brewers Droop Tavern - Halfling Heaven Village Reply with quote

Missus Brewer turns to her husband.

Mrs B- "Its so much quieter round here, now that Tom has moved out."
Mr B - "Pardon dear?"
Mrs B-"I said, its quieter round here..... without Tom, and all his clutter."
Mr B -"Careful dear. People might think you are glad he has moved out."

*brief moment of silence*

Mrs B- "Well... its not as if we dont see him."
Mr B - "Pardon dear?
Mrs B- "I said, its not as if he doesn't visit. I do wish you would listen."
Mr B - "Sorry dear."
Mrs B- "Do you think she cleans his clothes better than I did?"
Mr B - "Who dear?"
Mrs B- "Peony. Who else would I mean? Pay attention.... what are you doing anyway?"
Mr B - "Hmm? Oh, I am testing the temperature of my newest brew." *eyes sparkle*
Mrs B- "Well?"
Mr B - "Well what?"
Mrs B- *sigh* "Do you think she cleans his clothes better than I did? You remember the state he used to get his shirt collar in."
Mr B - "Probably dear." .... *thinks* ..... "What is all this about?"
Mrs B- "Oh nothing. Just go back to your....*gestures with her hand* whatever it is you said you were doing."

*long silence*

Mrs B- "Do you think we will still be alive when they have children?"
Mr B - *bashes head on shelf* "Ow!" *rubs his head* "What are you going on about now?"
Mrs B- "I said, Do you think we will..."
Mr B - "No, I heard you! Have you been at the Brandy Wine again?"
Mrs B- "I had a small glass for second breakfast, but thats not the point."
Mr B - *back under the shelf again* "Pardon dear?"
Mrs B- "Oh never mind. I'm going to market for some retail therapy."
Mr B - "Okay dear. Have a nice time."

*awkward moment of silence followed by a door slamming shut as Missus Brewer leaves*

Mr B - *mutters to himself* .... two degrees too warm.
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Halfling Heaven
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mister Brewer is tinkering with something under the bar. Missus Brewer is reading a list of the Gardener familys latest line of herbaceous border seedlings

Mrs B - These nasturtiums look nice. Could we maybe get some hanging baskets?
Mr B - Yes dear.
Mrs B - And these miniature roses would look nice outside the back door. How about we get a few of those too?
Mr B - Yes dear.
Mrs B - *puts down the brochure and gets a stern expression* How about some dragonflies for tea?
Mr B - Sounds nice dear.
Mrs B - I knew it. You aren't even listening.
Mr B - Whatever you like dear. You choose.
Mrs B - *whacks her husband with the brochure*
Mr B - *bangs his head on the shelf under the bar* Ouch! *rubbing head* What did you do that for?
Mrs B - Tell me what i said.
Mr B - Pardon? *worried look*
Mrs B - Tell me what I was talking about.

*brief awkward silence*

Mr B - *cautiously* Plants?
Mrs B - Yes, but which ones?
Mr B - The ones in the brochure dear. *ducks back under the bar and returns to tinkering*
Mrs B - What are you doing this time?
Mr B - Pardon dear?
Mrs B - I said, what are you doing under there?
Mr B - Oh, nothing dear.
Mrs B - *frowns and raises the brochure for another swipe*
Mr B - Who tightened that bolt? Its stuck fast.
Mrs B - *lowers the brochure* What bolt?
Mr B - The bolt on.... *straining noise*....Marcus wept!
Mrs B - WHAT BOLT DEAR?

*short silence with occasional grunting and groaning as mister brewer struggles to loosen the bolt*

Mrs B - I'm going shopping. I may be a while.
Mr B - Okay dear. Have a nice time.

*long silence as Missus Brewer contemplates whacking him with the brochure, but instead walks to the door and goes shopping, slamming the door behind her*

Mr B - Aha, it turns clockwise!
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Missus Brewer is carefully planting seedlings into hanging baskets at the bar before hanging them outside. Mister Brewer is under the shelves as usual, doing 'something'.

Mrs B - Mrs Gardener told me that her daughter, Shy, was cultivating some new pink and white lavenders.
Mr B - Pardon dear?
Mrs B - I said, Shy Gardener is growing some pink and white lavenders.
Mr B - Thats nice dear.
Mrs B - I put in a pre-order for 3 dozen. I thought we could give some to Tom and Peony.
Mr B - Who dear?
Mrs B - Tom? Our son?
Mr B - Oh? Whats he been doing this time?
Mrs B - Pardon?
Mr B - You said Toms been up to something.
Mrs B - No, I didn't. I said I was thinking of...
Mr B - Uhuh. Thats nice dear.

*short moment of silence*

Mrs B - *sighs and asks the question* What are you doing this time?
Mr B - The underside of this shelf has splinters dear. I am sanding it.
Mrs B - *shakes her head and returns to planting seedlings*

*long silence with the constant sound of sanding*

Mrs B - Should we invite Tom and peony to dinner this weekend?
Mr B - If you like dear.... oh...ouch...yeeow!
Mrs B - Whats wrong dear? *worried*
Mr B - I have dust in my eye.
Mrs B - What do you expect? You are sanding the underside of a shelf and laying on your back.
Mr B - Pardon dear?
Mrs B - I said.... oh never mind.

*mister brewer returns to sanding*

Mrs B - Do you think I should cook a roast, or should I maybe go for something more exotic?
Mr B - When dear?
Mrs B - When Tom and Peony come for dinner.
Mr B - Are they coming for dinner?
Mrs B - Well, I haven't asked them yet, but...
Mr B - Dont you think you should dear? It would be pointless cooking if you haven't invited them.

*missus brewer breaks a seedling accidentally and scowls with frustration*

Mrs B - *through gritted teeth* I will dear.
Mr B - Oh, in that case, if you are going out could you get me some more sandpaper?

*long silence followed by the sound of a slamming door*

Mr B - Thankyou dear. *climbs out from under the shelf and looks at the bar* Hmm... seems as though she bought some seedlings. I wish she would tell me these things.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Missus Brewer enters the tavern after being shopping. Her husband is standing on a stool which has been placed on the bar and is fiddling with the chandelier. Jenga Gamesake, the barman, is standing idly holding a large box of candles.

Mr B - Hello dear.
Mrs B - Hmm?
Mr B - I said hello dear, that is all.
Mrs B - Oh. Hello dear.

*brief silence as Missus Brewer places two boxes she is carrying upon the table and returns to the tavern door, exiting.*

Mr B - Another candle please Jenga.
Jenga - *passes up a candle*

*the door opens again and Missus Brewer enters carrying two more boxes and three bags, placing them all on the table*

Mr B - Another candle please Jenga.
Jenga - *passes up a candle*

*Missus Brewer sits at the table and opens one of the boxes, pulling out a new pair of shoes and smiling happily.*

Mr B - Another candle please Jenga.
Jenga - *passes up a candle*

*Missus Brewer sets the shoes to one side and opens another box, pulling out another pair of shoes*

Mr B - What have you got there?
Mrs B - Pardon dear?
Mr B - Those boxes and bags.... What have you got there? Another candle Jenga.
Jenga - *passes up a candle*
Mrs B - Oh.. just some essentials.
Mr B - Essentials? It looks like you've bought the entire market.
Mrs B - Uhuh. *opens another box and retrieves a third pair of shoes*
Mr B - Uhuh? What is that supposed to mean?
Mrs B - Pardon dear? *opens the last box and pulls out a hat.*
Mr B - Is that a hat? What do you need a hat for?
Mrs B - The hat goes with my new shoes dear.

*awkward silence as Mister brewer wobbles on the stool and tries to keep his balance*

Jenga - Nice hat Missus B.
Mr B - Dont encourage her Jenga. Another candle please.
Jenga - *passes up another candle*
Mrs B - *stands from the table and opens one of the bags, pulling out a full evening gown with matching clutch-purse*
Mr B - What the devil have you gone and bought THAT for?
Mrs B - Well, i wanted something to go with the darker pair of shoes. What do you think of it? *holding the gown against herself and gazing in a mirror*
Mr B - I think it looks expensive.

*long silence as Missus Brewer carefully puts the gown down and opens another bag*

Mr B - What is she going to pull out next? A tiara? *to Jenga*
Jenga - *passes another candle*
Mr B - No, i dont need any more candles. That was the last one. *climbs down from the stool and stands on the floor*
Jenga - *whispers* Good guess Mister B.

*shocked, stunned silence as Mister Brewer spins round to see his wife gazing at herself in a mirror with a Tiara on her head and matching diamond necklace.*

Mr B - *splutters* What HAVE you been buying!!
Mrs B - I treated myself.
Mr B - With whose money?? Not with my savings I hope!
Mrs B - With OUR savings dear.
Mr B - *suddenly goes pale* How much did it cost me?
Mrs B - Pardon dear?
Mr B - How MUCH??
Mrs B - Oh, i lost track dear. But dont worry, i got you something.

*difficult silence as Misus Brewer opens the last bag and pulls out a garden fork handle.*
Mrs B - I got you a new one because I broke your old one this morning.
Mr B - A Fork Handle??
Jenga - *passes him four candles*
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Halfling Heaven
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mister Brewer has his head buried in a book and is frantically scribbling numbers in it, with a worried expression. Missus Brewer is parading around the tavern in an evening gown, tiara, diamond necklace, matching clutch purse, new shoes and hat. Jenga is washing glasses.

Mr B - Carry the one..... *mutters*
Mrs B - We should have a party.
Mr B - No no no, that can't be right. *grabs an eraser and rubs out his calculations*
Mrs B - We could invite everyone from the village.
Mr B - *looks at the first reciept again*
Mrs B - I am sure they would all like a party.
Mr B - *looks at the second reciept*
Mrs B - Are you listening to me dear?
Mr B - Yes dear. *looks at the first reciept again*

*silence apart from the sloshing of glasses being washed*

Mrs B - I think I will go shopping and buy some nice invites.
Mr B - What? *looking up*
Mrs B - We can't throw a party without invites dear.
Mr B - Party? Oh, Saint Marcus preserve us... No.
Mrs B - No?
Mr B - *holds a fistful of reciepts as if they explain everything.* Please dear... No.
Mrs B - I dont know what has got into you lately. *adjusts her tiara* You used to be so much fun.
Mr B - Dear!? *smiling and trying to remain calm* Please let me finish the accounts before you spend any more money.
Jenga - *drops a glass*
Mr B - *sighs*

*silence apart from the sound of glass being swept up*

Mrs B - Would you like any help?
Mr B - NO!..... I mean, No thankyou dear. *under his breath* You have done enough damage already.
Mrs B - Pardon dear?
Mr B - Nothing dear. Just calculating.
Jenga - He said you've done enough damage already Missus B. *trying to be helpful*
Mr B - *to jenga* Why? Why would you say that?
Jenga - I.... I really have no idea Mister B. *returns to washing glasses*
Mrs B - Oh, he did, did he?
Mr B - Dear...please just let me finish the accounts.
Mrs B - Fine.

*silence*

Mrs B - Should I go and start writing out invites?
Mr B - *snaps his graphite stick*
Mrs B - If we are going to throw a party, we really need to start sending out invites.
Mr B - *through gritted teeth in the form of a smile* Do we have enough money to orgnise a party.... DEAR?
Mrs B - Well, you would know that better than me. You are doing the accounts after all.
Mr B - Exactly.... DEAR. Now, PLEASE, let me finish doing the accounts.
Mrs B - You never used to be such a grouch.
Jenga - *drops a glass*

*silence apart from the sound of sweeping glass and a graphite stick being sharpened*

Mrs B - You haven't even commented on how I look.
Mr B - Pardon dear?
Mrs B - You haven't said how nice I look.
Mr B - You look like a million gold pieces dear.
Mrs B - Do I?
Mr B -*looking at the reciepts* Well, actually you look like 447,000 gold pieces dear.... and I rounded that up.
Mrs B - I didnt spend that much... did I?
Mr B -Yes dear. You did dear.
Jenga - But it looks nice on you Missus B.
Mrs B - Thankyou Jenga. See dear. Jenga knows how to compliment a lady.
Mr B - *glares at Jenga* Jenga doesn't have to foot the bill dear.

*awkward silence followed by the sound of a slamming door*

Mr B - Oh for the love of Marcus, where has she gone now?
Jenga - I think she went to buy invites Mister B. *drops a glass*
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Onyx Bramblethorn stands at the bar waiting to be served. Jenga is in the cellar rearranging barrels, whilst Mister Brewer is standing at the cellar hatch barking orders. Missus Brewer is absent

Onyx - Service?
Mr B - That barrel needs to go on top of the other Cherry Wine barrels. No, not that one.... yes.. that one.
Onyx - Hello?
Jenga - *says something muffled from within the cellar*
Mr B - They aren't THAT heavy. A youngster like you should be able to lift it easily.
Jenga - *says something else in a similar muffled manner*
Mr B - Well, you look younger. Anyway, thats still younger than the likes of me.
Onyx - *coughs* Service?
Jenga - *shrieks in pain*
Mr B - Careful Jenga. Lucky you have another foot, eh?
Onyx - *leans over the bar and pours herself a drink*
Jenga - *muffled sobs from the cellar*
Mr B - Oh don't be such a cry-baby. Its not as if you dropped it from a great height.
Jenga - *muffled sobs*
Mr B - *sighs* I guess I could go and see if Nurse Fleetfoot can take a look at it.

*Missus Brewer walks in carrying a basket of fruit*

Mrs B - Hello Dear.
Mr B - I will get Nurse Fleetfoot as soon as my wife comes back from the orchard. In the meanwhile, see if you can roll the barrel off your foot.
Jenga - *shrieks in pain*
Mr B - Well you can't leave it where it is.
Mrs B - I said hello dear?
Jenga - *muffled sobs*
Mr B - As soon as the wife gets back, yes.
Mrs B - *sighs and repeats herself louder* I said Hello Dear!!
Mr B - Oh, hello dear. You are back early.
Mrs B - What is going on down there? *moves to peer down into the cellar*
Mr B - Oh, nothing dear. Jenga just dropped a barrel on his foot and is making a song and dance about it.
Mrs B - Oooh, that looks nasty. Shouldn't you get Nurse Fleetfoot?
Mr B - Yes dear. If you could, it would be nice. Thankyou.
Onyx - *leans over the bar and pours herself a second drink*
Mrs B - No dear, I said...
Mr B - *interrupts* Thats one of the things I love about you dear.
Mrs B - *stubbornly* No dear, I said shouldn't you...
Mr B - *interrupts again* He really should have been paying more attention. Those barrels are heavy.
Mrs B - Why were you not helping him?
Mr B - Pardon dear?
Mrs B - I said...Why were you not helping him?
Mr B - well, I stayed up here to keep an eye on the bar.

*short silence as Mister and Missus brewer turn to look at Onyx*

Onyx - *smiles*
Jenga - *loudly* Can somebody PLEASE get Nurse Fleetfoot? *whimpers*
Mrs B - *sighs* I guess that will be me then.
Mr B - Well you did offer.

*awkward silence followed by a harsh glare from Missus Brewer before she walks out of the tavern.... slamming the door behind her*

Mr B - *calling down into the cellar* Its allright Jenga. She's gone to get the Nurse now.
Onyx - *leans over the bar and pours herself a third drink*
Jenga - *muffled sobs*
Mr B - Try moving the barrel again. The nurse wont be able to examine your foot with that whacking great barrel on it.
Jenga - *howls in pain*
Mr B - There! That wasn't so hard now, was it!?

*silence*

Mr B - Maybe you should come up here too. you cant expect the Nurse to climb down that rickety ladder.
Jenga - *whimpers something muffled from within the cellar*
Mr B - Dont worry. I have the hatch. *holding the trapdoor open*
Jenga - *slowly his head and hands appear in the hatch opening* My foot hurts real bad Mr B.
Mr B - Well, it would do. You dropped a barrel on it.
Onyx - *leans across the bar and pours a forth drink*
Jenga - Hey! Whats she doing?
Mr B - *turns round and sees Onyx* HEY! *lets go of the trapdoor*
Onyx - Look out!

*a loud crashing noise as the trapdoor slams down on Jengas head and fingers, sending him plummeting back into the cellar*

Jenga - *muffled cries of pain*
Onyx - *winces*
Mr B - I hope you are paying for that, little missy.
Onyx - Of course I am, but you were busy. *smiles*
Mr B - Well, allright then..... but next time, just say something and i will serve you.
Onyx - Shouldn't you let him out?
Mr B - Who?
Onyx - The guy in your cellar.
Mr B - *looks over his shoulder at the cellar hatch* Oh. How did that happen? *opens the hatch*
Jenga - *muffled strong words*
Mr B - Well there is no need to be like that Jenga. Perhaps next time you will use the winch I installed for moving the barrels.
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Halfling Heaven
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jenga is seated on a stool behind the bar. (His neck in a brace with both arms in plaster and one foot heavily bandaged. Also, his eyes are blackened and one front tooth is missing). There is nobody else in the bar.

Jenga - Hello? Hello-o! *tries to turn his head* Ouch!

*a moment of absolute silence*

Jenga - Mithuth B?

*a longer period of silence*

Jenga - Mithter B?

*yet more silence*

Jenga - Somebody? ANYBODY? *his face contorts with gritted determination*

*still the silence continues*

Jenga - Please..... I really REALLY need the bathroom. *his eyes suddenly widen*
Jenga - *whimpers as a warm puddle emerges on the floor by his left leg*

Missus B - *calls from upstairs* I'll be down in a minute.
Mister B - *pops his head up from the cellar* Pardon dear?
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jenga is seated on his stool behind the bar and looking at a small pamphlet (still sporting a multitiude of injuries). Mister and Missus Brewer are also behind the bar, and are cuddling.

Mr B - I love you dear.
Mrs B - I love you too dear.
Mr B - I love you more.
Mrs B - And I love you even more than that dear.
Mr B - I will love you more tomorrow than I do today.
Jenga - *cringes and tries to read the pamphlet again*
Mrs B - *noticing Jenga cringe* Are you in pain?
Mr B - Only the pain from the huge amount of love which threatens to burst from my beating heart.
Mrs B - Not you dear.
Mr B - Pardon dear?
Mrs B - Jenga.
Mr B - You love Jenga? *astonished*
Jenga - *looks up from his pamphlet with a similar astonished expression*
Mrs B - No, silly. He cringed, so I asked if the poor dear was in pain.
Mr B - Oh!
Jenga - *relaxes and resumes reading his pamphlet*

*a long moment of silence apart from the sound of 'kissy' noises from the Brewers (and the whistle of Jenga breathing through his broken nose)*

Mrs B - Thats enough now dear. We dont want to make jenga feel uncomfortable.
Jenga - *thinks.... "Too Late!"*
Mr B - Yes dear.
Mrs B - *a low whisper* What is he reading?
Mr B - *whispers* A pamphlet dear.
Mrs B - *sighs, rolls her eyes and whispers* I know that dear, but what is it?
Mr B - *whispers* I will ask him dear.
Jenga - *looks up as Mister Brewer approaches him*
Mr B - So... what are you reading Jenga? Anything good? *looks at the pamphlet which is resting on Jengas lap*
Jenga - It'th a pamphlet.
Mr B - *sighs and rolls his eyes* I know that, but what is it about?
Jenga - It'th about theveral prothpective job opportunitieth for halflingth.
Mr B - Pardon?
Mrs B - Are you thinking of leaving us Jenga? *shocked*
Jenga - I am jutht looking at my opthionth.
Mr B - What did he say?
Mrs B - He said its a pamphlet about job opportunities for halflings. I do wish you would listen dear.

*a short moment of silence as Jenga tries to turn the pamphlet over, but his 2 broken arms will not reach to the paper in his lap*

Mrs B - have you found anything interesting?
Mr B - I have, and i am looking at her. *winks at his wife*
Mrs B - Not you dear. I was talking to Jenga.
Mr B - Oh.
Jenga - I have theen two jobth whitcthh theem interethting.
Mr B - *blinks*
Mrs B - Really? What are they?
Jenga - The firtht one is for a newth vendor. I would be employed to thtand in one of the thities and thhout the top newth thtories.
Mr B - *scratches his head and looks at his wife for help*
Mrs B - He said he was looking as a News vendor.
Mr B - In the village?
Mrs B - No, in one of the human cities I assume.
Mr B - Oh.

*short moments silence*

Mrs B - And the other job?
Jenga - It'th in the Thire.
Mrs B - Oh? What is it?
Jenga - They have vacanthieth for the pothithion of therriff. It thoundth like an ideal job although i think it may be a little dangerouth.
Mr B - *blinks* What did he say dear?
Mrs B - *sighs* He said its not easy being a cop.
Mr B - Thats his problem isn't it?
Mrs B - I would have thought so.

*silence fills the bar area briefly*

Mr B - I love you dear.
Mrs B - I love you too dear.
Jenga *watches in horror as a draught lifts the pamphlet from his lap and promptly posts it in between two floorboards*
Mr B - I love you more than you love me.
Mrs B - Thats not possible dear because I love you more than Marcus loves flapjacks.
Mr B - *starts singing, slightly off key* You are my flapjacks. My only flapjacks. You make me haappyyy, when skies are grey.
Jenga *twitches*
Mr & Mrs B - *sing in harmony* You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my flapjacks away.
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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Mister & Missus Brewer are standing idly behind the bar. Jenga enters the tavern for his shift*

Mr B - Jenga, you are late.
Jenga - Sorry Mister B, I had the casts removed today. I did tell you yesterday.
Mrs B - He did dear.
Mr B - Did he?
Mrs B - He did.
Jenga - *nods*
Mr B - I suppose he mumbled as usual. How am i supposed to hear him if he mumbles?
Mrs B - Well I heard him.
Jenga - You were cleaning the windows Mister B.
Mr B - Cleaning the windows? Yesterday? I didn't clean the windows yesterday.
Mrs B - Yes you did dear.
Jenga - You did Mister B.
Mr B - Did I?
Mrs B - You did dear.
Jenga - *nods*

*a moments silence as Jenga removes his hat and cloak and assume his position behind the bar*

Mr B - Are you sure I cleaned the windows?
Mrs B - Yes dear.
Jenga - You commented on how Mrs Gardeners skirt blew up in that gust of wind Mister B. Remember?
Mrs B - Did he?? *scowls*
Jenga - *nods*
Mr B - I never did. *suddenly remembering*
Jenga - You did Mister B. You even said that her bloomers looked like somethin' a longshanks made.
Mr B - *blushes*
Mrs B - *scowls harder*
Jenga - Then you said that her legs were...
Mr B - Yes yes Jenga. We get the point.
Mrs B - Do we? *folding her arms across her chest*
Mr B - We do dear. *avoiding her gaze*

*a moments awkward silence follows*

Jenga - I remember, because I said....
Mr B - For the love of Marcus, stop!
Mrs B - Continue Jenga.
Mr B - Do NOT continue Jenga.

*Jenga feels all eyes staring at him*

Jenga - I suddenly dont fell well Mister B.
Mr B - Really? Maybe you should take the rest of the day off.
Jenga - Righto Mister B. *grabs his hat and cloak and races for the door*
Mrs B - STOP...right...there.
Jenga - *freezes with his hand on the door handle*
Mrs B - Maybe you can tell me what my husband said... before you go!
Jenga - *eyes wide, hesitates*
Mrs B - Go on. Speak.

*sound of the back door slamming shut as Mister Brewer makes a hasty exit*

Mrs B - *spins tound to see her husband has vanished* Where'd he go?
Jenga - Scarpered Missus B. *slams the front door behind him as he escapes*
Mrs B - *scowls*
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PostPosted: Thu May 25, 2006 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Its a quiet day in the Brewers Droop. Missus Brewer is standing behind the bar, but she isnt talking to Mister Brewer. Mister Brewer is making fishing flys behind the bar, but he isnt talking to Jenga. Jenga is sitting on a stool examining a large green ball, and is trying not to to be caught in the Brewers argument.*

Mrs B - Jenga....
Jenga - Yes Mrs B?
Mrs B - Can you tell my husband that he is NOT going fishing today?
Jenga - *frowns and sighs* Yes Mrs B.
Mr B - *looks up from his fly making equipment and scowls at Jenga*
Jenga - Mrs B says...
Mr B - I can hear you..... Dear!
Jenga - He heard you Mrs B.
Mrs B - Good. Then you can also tell him that IF he slips out while i am not looking, his dinner will be in the cat!.
Jenga - *sighs* Mrs B said....
Mr B - I am not deaf.

*an awkward silence fills the tavern. Jenga resumes examining the large green ball.*

Mr B - Its been days dear. how long are you going to keep this up?
Mrs B - Can you tell my husband that I am not answering his questions right now jenga?!
Jenga - Mrs B asked me to tell you that....
Mr B - You can be ever so childish when you want to be.
Mrs B - I know you can, but what am I? *snaps at Mister Brewer*
Mr B - *scowls and mutters something under his breath*
Mrs B - What was that?
Mr B - Nothing dear. *ties some small feathers to a hook*
Mrs B - What did he say? *to Jenga*
Jenga - *drops the green ball with a scared expression*
Mrs B - Well?
Jenga - Did he... say... something? *failed bluff roll*
Mrs B - Don't you act the innocent with Me Jenga Gamesake.
Jenga - *whimpers and scuttles under the table after the large green ball*
Mrs B - *turning her wrath on her husband* What did you say?
Mr B - I said you look lovely today dear. *not even trying to be convincing*

*another awkward silence fills the room, apart from the angry mutterings of Missus brewer. Jenga remains under the table*

Mrs B - *opens a drawer and slams it shut again*
Mr B - *examines his newest fly*
Mrs B - *Picks up a pewter tankard and slams it on the counter*
Mr B - *holds the new fly up to the light and inspects it more closely*
Mrs B - *snatches a bottle of wine from the shelf and pulls the cork out with her teeth*
Mr B - Maybe i should dye the feathers a brighter color. *not to anyone in particular*
Mrs B - Maybe i should dye you a different color. Scarlet springs to mind. *pours herself a full tankard of wine*
Mr B - Well, if I'm scarlet dear, then jenga must be yellow. *points to the table Jenga is hiding beneath*
Jenga - huh? *alarmed at his name being dragged into the arhument again*
Mrs B - Leave Jenga out of this. If he wants to play with his cheese, let him.
Mr B - Is that what it is? Cheese?
Mrs B - Well, what did you think it was? A hat? *sarcastically*
Mr B - I thought it was a ball.

*a short silence as Missus Brewer starts drinking her wine and Mister Brewer starts making a new fly*

Mr B - Why is the cheese green?
Mrs B - Jenga.... will you tell my husband I am not...
Mr B - ..not answering my questions. Okay, i get it.
Jenga - *relieved*
Mr B - *sighs and gives in* Okay, okay.... Jenga....?
Jenga - Yes Mister B?
Mr B - Why are you carrying a large ball of green cheese?
Jenga - *emerges from under the table* Its my entry for the cheese festival Mister B.
Mr B - The cheese festival?
Jenga - Yes mister B. Its a festival where they have lots of...
Mr B - ...cheese?
Jenga - Yes mister B.

*short silence*

Mr B - But why is it green?
Jenga - Its covered in green wax mister B.
Mrs B - *rolls eyes* He thought the actual cheese was green? Whoever heard of green cheese?
Jenga - *thinks of a few green cheeses but keeps quiet*
Mr B - *thinks of a few green cheeses, but keeps quiet.*

*silence*

Mr B - So... do we get to try a bit of it? On some crackers?
Jenga - Its for the festival Mister B.
Mrs B - Don't be so mean Jenga. I will get some crackers and we can all try your cheese.
Jenga - But its for the...
Mrs B - Get some crackers dear. *to her husband*
Mr B - Yes dear. *puts down his fly making equipment and hurries to the cracker tin*
Jenga - *sighs and hands the cheese ball to Missus B*

*a short silence as Mister B returns with a tin full of crackers and Missus B cuts into the cheese ball. An ungodly aroma arises instantly*

Mrs B - In the name of....
Mr B - MY EYES! *blinks as the stench makes his eyes stream with water*
Mrs B - By all that is holy.... *gags*
Jenga - It is a very mature cheese. Its been resting for three years.
Mr B - Resting? It smells like its died and been buried at sea!!
Jenga - *frowns*
Mr B - What is in that stuff?
Jenga - Well... you know pork pies?
Mr B - Yes....
Jenga - You know you can get pork pies with a whole hard-boiled egg in the middle?
Mrs B - Yes....
Jenga - *points at the green cheese* It has an egg... in the middle...
Mr B - *retches*
Mrs B - *gags*
Jenga - *nibbles on a cracker*
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Mister and Missus Brewer are having a romantic walk in the fields to the north of the village. Following the river, they walk in each others embrace. Jenga is back at the tavern...coping*

Mrs B - What a beautiful sunny day.
Mr B - Yes dear.
Mrs B - We should do this more often. *rests her head on his shoulder as they walk*
Mr B - Maybe you could come fishing with me sometimes dear.
Mrs B - *thinks* Maybe not dear.
Mr B - Why not?
Mrs B - I dont like seeing you getting stressed.
Mr B - *stops walking* I do NOT get stressed. Fishing relaxes me.
Mrs B - Yes dear. Of course it does dear. *rolls her eyes*
Mr B - Whats that supposed to mean?
Mrs B - I am just agreeing with you dear.

*Back at the tavern, Jenga is in the kitchen preparing a meal order from Nurse Fleetfoot*

Jenga - *fans the flames* Oh Marcus, what do i do?
Nurse Fleetfoot - *calls out* Is everything allright back there?
Jenga - Yes! *unconvincingly*
Nurse Fleetfoot - Only... I can smell smoke.
Jenga - Everythings under control !! *pats the flames out on his sleeve*

*Meanwhile, the brewers are settling for their picnic.*

Mrs B - Here, by this tree. It looks perfect.
Mr B - I couldn't agree more. Absolutely perfect. *glances at the river*
Mrs B - Well, give me the basket then.
Mr B - Hmm?
Mrs B - The picnic basket?
Mr B - Oh yes, of course dear. Here you go. *hands her the picnic basket*
Mrs B - *unpacks a blanket and spreads it upon the ground, and then sets about laying out plates, cups and food of all descriptions.
Mr B - I wish i had brought my rod.
Mrs B - Pardon dear?
Mr B - I said, this place is fit for a God!
Mrs B - *smiles* Or a Goddess.
Mr B - Hmm? Oh, yes.
Mrs B - What are you looking at dear?
Mr B - Oh, just the river sweetness. The water is so clear here that I can see the bottom. *staring at the fish in the river*
Mrs B - How many?
Mr B - Oh, lots dear.
Mrs B - Pardon?
Mr B - *looks at his wife and sees she is holding sausage rolls* Oh! Just two please dear.

*Back at the tavern....*

Jenga - *throws a bucket of water on the stove*
Nurse Fleetfoot - *from the bar area* Are you sure everything is allright?
Jenga - Absolutely fine! Couldn't be better!
Nurse Fleetfoot - I am coming out there.
Jenga - NO!!! *quickly tries to fan the black smoke out of the open window* Stay there. Its almost ready.
Nurse Fleetfoot - *does what she is told and waits by the bar, listening to the whimpers from the kitchen*

*at the picnic*

Mrs B - Any more cake dear?
Mr B - Maybe just a small slice.
Mrs B - *cuts a small slice of cherry cake and puts it on his plate*
Mr B - *takes a bite of his cake* Do you have any string dear?
Mrs B - String?
Mr B - *looking at the fish*
Mrs B - Whatever do you want string for?
Mr B - Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter dear.
Mrs B - I have a ball of wool dear. Will that do? *pulls her knitting set from the picnic basket*
Mr B - You brought your knitting?
Mrs B - Well.... yes dear.
Mr B - But i thought it was supposed to be time for us.
Mrs B - It is dear, but I just brought it along in case i got bored.
Mr B - *offended* Bored?
Mrs B - Oh, you know what I mean. You might get distracted by something, and if you do... then i have my knitting to keep me amused.
Mr B - Distracted? I dont get distr.... Did you see the size of THAT!? *points at a fish jumping*
Mrs B - Precisely.

*meanwhile, jenga is leaving the kitchen with a plate of dark brown and black 'stuff'.*

Jenga - One cheese salad.
Nurse Fleetfoot - *blinks*
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Mister Brewer and Jenga are behind the bar, cleaning. Missus Brewer is out, shopping. The bar area looks almost immaculate.*

Mr B - Don't leave any spots uncleaned Jenga. This is my chance..... OUR chance, to get in my wifes good books. For once.
Jenga - Yes Mister B... erm, I mean No Mister B. *polishes the bar*
Mr B - Are you using the good beeswax?
Jenga - Yes Mister B.
Mr B - *sweeping the floor* Remember to polish in circular motions Jenga.
Jenga - Will do, Mister B.
Mr B - *sweeps the dirt into a pile by the skirting board*
Jenga - I can see my face in this bar Mister B.
Mr B - Thats good Jenga. *stoops down and prises a loose section of the skirting away, revealing a hole*
Jenga - Do I polish the tables now Mister B?
Mr B - Yes please Jenga. *sweeps the pile of dirt into the hole*
Jenga - I will start with the mushroom table by the door Mister B.
Mr B - Allright. Just remember to use plenty of beeswax and a lot of elbow grease. *pushes the skirting board back into place*
Jenga - Where do you keep the elbow grease Mister B?
Mr B - Hmm?
Jenga - The elbow grease. Is it kept in the same cupboard as the beeswax, because i didn't see any.
Mr B - *deep sigh and opens his mouth to explain bur gets distracted by the skirting board falling away with a clatter* Oh....now why did it do that?
Jenga - *head buried in a cupboard* Why did what do what Mister B?
Mr B - Why did the.... *stops speaking as a dusty mouse clambers from the hole, coughing.*
Jenga - Theres brass polish, silver polish, some smelly candles and incense sticks.... but no elbow grease. Ah... whats this?
Mr B - *stares at the mouse in astonishment*
Mouse - Atishoo
Jenga - No... this isn't it. Its Pilchard Oil. Would this work Mister B?
Mr B - *quietly* Fetch me a broom Jenga.
Jenga - Its in your hand Mister B.
Mr B - Hmm? Oh... *raises the broom slowly above his head*
Mouse - Atishoo *looks up* Squeak!!!
Jenga - *pours some pilchard oil onto the table and starts rubbing it into the wood*
Mr B - *swings the broom down at the mouse, thudding it onto the floor*
Mouse - *dodges* SQUEAK!!
Mr B -*swings again, catching the chandelier and bringing it down*
Mouse - *dodges and clambers up the shelves behind the bar*
Mr B - *takes a horizontal swing and swipes all the bottles off the middle shelf with a shattering noise*
Mouse - *dodges and leaps onto the bar*
Mr B - *drops the broom and lunges at the mouse with both hands*
Jenga - Are you allright Mister B?
Mouse - *attempts to dodge* Squeak??
Mr B - *closes his hands around the mouse* I got it!.
Jenga - Got what Mister B?
Mr B - *screams* Its biting me!
Jenga - *alarmed*
Mr B - Open the door. *screams* QUICK.
Jenga - *drops the pilchard oil and rag on the floor* Which door Mister B?
Mr B - *screams and starts to run around in a panic* Front door... quickly!!
Jenga - *runs to the front door*
Mr B - *runs to the front door clutching the angry, scared, aggressive mouse* Aaagh!!
Jenga - *opens the door*
Mrs B - Oh, thankyou Jenga. *standing in the doorway holding a big bag of shopping*
Mr B - *throws the mouse through the door*
Jenga - *slams the door shut*

*from outside the door, Missus Brewer can be heard screaming*

Jenga - I guess we wont be in Mrs B's good books this week either Mister B
Mister B - *faints*
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2006 3:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Jenga is having a day off due to a panic attack. Mister Brewer is away on a fishing trip and Missus Brewer is behind the bar with her temporary barmaid, Nurse Fleetfoot. Due to Nurse Fleetfoot working in the Brewers Droop, some 'newly-reacquainted' distant cousins from overseas have visited to wish her luck.*

Dingus Fleetfoot - Sure is a nice place you have here.
Nurse Fleetfoot - Its not my tavern.
Dingus Fleetfoot - It sure looks like a tavern though.

*in walks a blind hin traveller*

Blind Traveller - Can I have a Barley Wine please.
Nurse Fleetfoot - Coming right up. *goes to the shelves and slowly starts searching through the bottles for a barley Wine*
Blind Traveller - Can I speak with whoever owns the tavern? I am a travelling comedian and I would like to perform here.
Missus Brewer - This is my tavern. *cleaning a glass* Perhaps you could tell us a joke, so we can all hear how good you are before I agree to a performance.
Blind Traveller - Very well Miss. How about I start with a Fleetfoot joke?
Missus Brewer - *astonished* Oh... well... before you do.... Maybe you should know that our current Barmaid is a Fleetfoot. Also, at the table behind you is a very strong halfling with two blackened eyes. Seated next to him is his brother who has a really big dog. Then to your left are Dingus and Moronica, the famous knife jugglers from Port City. All of them are Fleetfoots, and they are all extremely drunk. Are you sure you want to tell a Fleetfoot joke?
Blind Traveller - No, not if i am going to have to explain it five times.
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2006 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Its a very hot day in the village. In fact it is so hot that Missus Brewer has set up some tables outside the tavern. Mister Brewer is still on his fishing trip. Jenga is inside the tavern and overheating, whilst Missus Brewer is seated at one of the garden tables, enjoying the sun and a book*

Hunni Pye - *sipping water from the wells bucket* The water tastes funny today.
Mrs B - *looks up from her book and slides her sunglasses to the end of her nose* Pardon dear?
Hunni Pye - The water.... it tastes..... different. *stares into the well*
Mrs B - Its probably just warm dear.
Hunni Pye - No.... Its ice cold as usual.
Mrs B - Have you eaten something? That could be leaving a taste in your mouth.
Hunni Pye - Well... I had a bowl of oats for second breakfast, with some honey to sweeten it.
Mrs B - *chuckles*
Hunni Pye - Whats funny?
Mrs B - Nothing dear. *still chuckling*
Hunni Pye - Did i say something amusing?
Mrs B - *nods* You said.... Well.... and you are talking about a well.
Hunni Pye - *scowls* Its not that funny.
Mrs B - Sorry dear. After living with my husband, I have to take humour wherever i find it.
Hunni Pye - *scowls and sips the water again, grimacing* Eeew, there is definately something wrong with this water.
Mrs B - *sighs and walks over to the well*

There is a brief moment of silence as the two females stare into the wells blackness

Mrs B - I can't see anything down there. Can you?
Hunni Pye - Well...
Mrs B - *giggles*
Hunni Pye - .....It is a bit too dark to see down there.
Mrs B - I have an idea Hunni. *walks to the tavern door and pokes her head inside* JEEEENNNNGAAAA! COME HERE A MOMENT PLEASE. *walks back to the well*
Jenga - *appearing at the door* Yes Missus B? *sweat pouring from him*
Mrs B - Can you go down the well please Jenga? Miss Pye thinks the water tastes odd. It would set her mind at rest if you went down there.
Jenga - *blinks* Down the well Missus B?
Mrs B - Yes please Jenga.
Jenga - Well....
Hunni - *giggles*
Mrs B - *chuckles*
Jenga - ....couldn't you just tie a torch to the buckets rope instead? Then you could see if there was anything down there from here.
Mrs B - But the rope would catch fire and the bucket would fall.
Hunni - Pleeeeaaase Jengykins. *flutters her eyes*
Jenga - *sighs and reluctantlylowers himself over the side of the well8
Hunni - *smiles at Jenga*
Jenga - *slips and plummets into the blackness with a loud splash* AaaaaAAaaaaAagh.
Mrs B - Is there anything down there jenga?
Jenga - AaAAAAAaaaAaaahhhh *screams*
Mrs B - Jenga?
Jenga - *splashes and screams from the blackness* AAAaaaHH!! aaAAAAHH!!!
Hunni - Dont worry Jengykins. I will save you. *throws the bucket back into the well and watches it descend into the darkness, the rope trailing behind*

*CLUNK... SPLASH*

Hunni - Jengy?

silence

Mrs B - Jenga?

silence

Hunni - *getting distressed* Jengykins??
Jenga - *moans* My head. Something hit me on my head.
Hunni - Poor Jengy..... but is there anything down there?
Mrs B - Yes.... did you find anything?
Jenga - *whimpers* Well.... yes.
Hunni & Mrs B - *giggles*
Jenga - I think its that blind comedian.... he's dead. Drowned, I think.
Mrs B - *faints*
Hunni - *vomits*
Jenga - Can you pull me up now please Missus B?

silence apart from the sound of vomiting*

Jenga - Missus B?
Hunni - I dont feel too good Jengy. *wanders home with a pale complexion*
Jenga - Miss Pye? Missus B?

silence

*a short moment later, Moronica Fleetfoot wanders up to the well.*
Jenga - Is somebody there?
Moronica - *climbs the steps to the well*
Jenga - Hello-o??
Moronica - The privvy is occupied! Wait yer turn. *hanging her rear end over the well*
Jenga - Has it started raining?
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Mister and Missus Brewer are both on vacation, looking for a place called Peony Falls. The tavern, in their absence, has been left with Jenga and Nurse Fleetfoot. The High Priestess is in the tavern conducting the wake speech for a travelling comedian who was recently discovered in the well, drowned. The whole of the village has turned up."

Priestess - ...and so it has come to pass that this traveller has joined the great feast of marcus. May his flapjacks be filled with goodness. Does anybody wish to say any words?
Dingus Fleetfoot - *raises hand*
Priestess - Yes Dingus.
Dingus - *holding a valentine card* Are there any halfling nuns in the village?
Priestess - *confused* Erm... no Dingus. There are none.
Dingus - *looks at the card*
Priestess - Does nobody wish to say anything about this ill-fated traveller?
Dingus - *raises hand*
Priestess - Yes Dingus?
Dingus - Are there any halfling nuns in Annakolia?
Priestess - No Dingus, there are none. *gives Dingus a confused look*
Dingus - *looks at the card again*
Priestess - If nobody wishes to say anything, then maybe we should...
Dingus - *raises hand*
Priestess - *sighs* YES!?
Dingus - How about Galandar then? Are there any halfling nuns in Galandar?
Priestess - *losing patience* No, there are not. There are no halfling nuns in the village, or in Annakolia. Nor are there any in Galandar, or indeed anywhere. There are NO Halfling nuns!

a brief moment of silence

The entire Fleetfoot family- *chants* Dingus dated a Penguin. Dingus dated a penguin.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

~It is a peaceful day in the Brewers Droop Tavern. Mister and Missus Brewer are expected home from their vacation, so the entire Fleetfoot family are busy cleaning the tavern. Dingus is cleaning tables, Nurse Fleetfoot is tending the bar with Jenga Gamesake. Cousin Lucy (a male halfling...but thats another story) is cleaning the windows. Moronica is tasting the various fruitjuices.~

Nurse - Don't forget the table over there Dingus.
Dingus - What about it?
Nurse - It still needs cleaning.
Dingus - Righto. *stops cleaning the table he is working on*
Nurse - Finish that table first.
Dingus - Which one.
Nurse - The one you are doing.
Dingus - Righto. *returns to the original table and immediately forgets all mention of the other table*

*a busy silence*

Moronica - *sips a fruitjuice and muses a moment* This one is safe.
Nurse - Jenga, can you go into the cellar and get me the long feather duster please?
Jenga - Yes Missus F. *vanishes into the cellar*
Moronica - *sips another fruitjuice, swills it between her teeth and swallows* This one is safe.
Jenga - *returns from the cellar holding a feather duster with a very long handle* Here you are Missus F.
Nurse - Could you dust the rafters with it please Jenga.
Jenga - Certainly Missus F.

*a busy silence*

Lucy - *steps back from the window* Windows are done Cous'. Do ya' want me to do anythin' else?
Nurse - Yes please. Can you make sure the piano is dust free and in tune.
Lucy. - I'm on it Cous'.
Nurse - You know how to tune a piano...right?
Lucy - I'm like an abacus.

*confused silence as Moronica, Dingus, Jenga and Nurse Fleetfoot all stare at Lucy*

Lucy - You can count on me!
Nurse - *smiles as she understands the pun*
Jenga - Thats clever. *nods in appreciation of the pun*
Dingus - Whats an abacus?
Jenga - Its something that you use for counting.
Moronica - Sticks.
Jenga - What?
Moronica - I use sticks for counting.
Jenga - Oh, i see. *starts dusting the rafters with the feather duster with a long handle*
Moronica - Of course, it doesn't work in the dark.
Dingus - Why not use a lantern?
Moronica - Good idea. I could set the ends of the sticks on fire that way.
Dingus - Exactly. Problem solved.
Jenga - *decides not to say anything*

*busy silence*

Lucy - *plink plink plink plinky plink* (testing the piano keys)
Moronica - *sips a fruitjuice*
Jenga - The rafters are done Missus F. Shall I put the duster away?
Moronica - *grimaces*
Nurse - Yes please Jenga.
Jenga -*descends into the cellar*
Moronica - *spits the juice into the glass* Tomato Juice is off.
Nurse - *calls down into the cellar* Can you find a fresh batch of tomato juice Jenga? The ones up here have spoiled.
Jenga - *calls up* Yes Missus F.
Lucy - *plinky plinky plinky plink plink plinky plink*

*brief silence*
Moronica - At least... I think its off. My tastebuds aren't what they used to be.
Nurse - Oh, you mean since I said you were.... *trails off and gives moronica a meaningful glance*
Moronica - Yeah.
Dingus - Is she ill?
Nurse - You mean she hasn't told you?
Dingus - Well, i don't know. If you tell me what it is, then maybe i will remember if she told me or not.
Nurse - Its not my job to tell you. Its your sisters.
Dingus - Whats wrong sis?
Moronica - *takes a deep breath* Well, I was going to what before I announced it, but...
Lucy - plinky plinky plink plonk...... plonk plonk plonk

*at this moment, Jenga returns from the cellar. At the exact same moment, the front door opens and in walks Mister and Missus Brewer loaded with luggage and smiling*

Moronica - I am expecting a baby. I wanted to speak to the father first, before i announced it, but he just entered the room so I guess everyone knows now.
Missus Brewer - *loses her smile immediately and glares at her husband, dropping a suitcase on his foot*
Jenga - *drops the crate of tomato juice and faints*
Lucy - Dun Dun Daaah
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2006 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

~In our last thrilling installment, The Brewers had just returned home to the village to hear the announcement of Moronicas 'condition'. Cousin Lucy was playing the piano when Moronica announced the father had just entered the room. Mister Brewer had recieved a suitcase to the foot, and a glare that would stop the hearts of many a male from his wife. Jenga, had fainted.~

Mister B - *howls in pain* Owie. What did you do that for?
Mrs B - You cheating little worm. *picks up a chair*
Mister B - *backs away* Put the chair down dear...... DEAR!!!
Dingus - Where do you think you are going Mister B? You are going to make an honest halfling of my sister.
Mister B - What?? *shrieks*
Dingus - No sister of mine has a child out of wedlock. It aint the fleetfoot way. *pounds a fist into his palm threateningly*
Mister B - But.... but... I never even...
Mrs B - *throws the chair at her husband and reaches for a vase*
Mister B - Aaagh. You've gone crazy. Stop it. *rubs his leg where the feebly thrown chair hit*
Mrs B - Hell has no fury like that of a maiden scorned. *throws the vase at her husband, hitting him on the shoulder*
Mister B - *screams and runs to the far side of the giant mushroom shaped table*
Mrs B - *runs into the kitchen*
Dingus - Well? Are you going to marry my sister or do i have to get all brotherly on your nose?
Mister B- What? That doesn't even make sense.
Nurse Fleetfoot - Stop! Stop! I cannot stand here and watch this aggressive behaviour....
Mister B - Yes. Listen to her. Listen to her.
Nurse - ....so i am going home. Nice to see you got back safely Mister Brewer. *smiles and leaves the tavern*
Mister B - What!? No! Oh Saint Marcus preserve me.

*at this point Missus Brewer returns from the kitchen wielding a skillet and wailing like a banshee as she charges at her husband*

Mister B - *shrieks and runs round the table*
Mrs B - *lets out a battlecry and gives chase*
Dingus - *follows Mrs Brewer whilst shouting things like...* You marry my sister or I'm gonna batter you like a fish.
Cousin Lucy - *plays some chase music on the piano*

*the chase continues for a fair while, as Mister Brewer tactically picks a route between the tables and flees for his life, whilst dodging a skillet*

Moronica - But i dont want to marry Mister Brewer. *pouts* I want to marry the father of my baby.
Mister B - See! *the skillet clangs round his head* OUCH!
Dingus - What?
Mrs B - Then my husband isn't the father?
Moronica - No.
Mrs B - But you said...
Mr B - *rubbing the side of his face* I tried to tell you dear.
Dingus - So, who is the father?

*Jenga clambers to his feet clutching his head and still feeling a little faint*
Mrs B - *stares at Jenga*
Mr B - *glares at Jenga*
Dingus - *scowls at jenga and starts punding a fist into his palm again, threateningly*
Moronica - *smiles at Jenga and points at him* He is.

Lucy - *plays the wedding march*
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2006 8:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*The following day, Nurse Fleetfoot is summoned to the Brewers Droop*

Mister B - Nurse... Nurse... My wife broke my foot in three places.
Nurse Fleetfoot - Well, don't take her to those places.
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Mister Brewer is busy sawing a little of the length from three table legs. Jenga is standing idly by, holding the toolbox. Missus Brewer is out.... shopping!*

Mr B - Oh, by Slick Jims eyepatch, I have sawn too much off this leg. Now I am going to have to do the others to match.
Jenga - Right you are, Mister B.
Mr B - *starts sawing*

*from outside, there is a loud crunching noise, a whinny, a female voice cussing and suddenly the door flies open revealing an angry Missus Brewer*

Mrs B - *to jenga* You might want to make yourself scarce. I am just about to put that toolbox where the sun doesnt shine. *looking at her hsuband*
Mr B - Hello dear. Did you have a nice day shopping?
Jenga - *slowly puts the toolbox down and backs away to a safe distance*
Mrs B - Don't you 'Dear' me. You moved the mailbox, didnt you!
Mr B - *sawing* Pardon dear?
Mrs B - I said... You moved the mailbox!
Mr B - In a minute dear. Let me do one job at a time.
Mrs B - *grabs her husbands ear and pulls him to the doorway, hauling him outside*
Mr B - Owowowowowow OW!!!

*High on a hill was a lowly fleetfoot. Moronica, in the orchard above the village, placed an apple on a mound of soil, picked up a stick and swung the stick at the apple.... missing!*
Moronica - One!

Back in the village....
Mrs B - *lets go of her husbands ear and points accusatively at a mangled mailbox* THAT, is YOUR fault.
Mr B - *rubbing his ear* How is that my fault dear? *looks at the nearby cart, the limping pony and the shed cartload of shopping*
Mrs B - I backed the cart into it.
Mr B - But...
Mrs B - If you hadn't put the mailbox there, none of this would have happened.
Mr B - But...
Mrs B - So what have you got to say for yourself?
Mr B - But the mailbox has been there for 15 years dear.

*High on the hill was that lowly fleetfoot. She took another swing at the apple..... missing again.*
Moronica - Two!

*Back in the village....*

Mrs B - *scowls* I dont care how long it has been there. I told you I wanted it the other side of the door.
Mr B - The other side of the door? You mean inside the tavern dear?
Mrs B - NO, you blundering longshank-brained.... *trails off into a list of expletitives*
Mr B - Pardon dear? *alarmed*
Mrs B - I mean the other side of the doorway.
Mr B - I think the horse has a limp.
Mrs B - What?
Mr B - You gave the horse a limp.
Mrs B - I will give you a limp if you dont move that mailbox.

*High on the hill, Moronica Fleetfoot takes another swing at the apple and misses once more.*
Moronica - THREE! *angrily*

*Back in the village....*

Mr B - I still dont see how this is my fault, dear.
Mrs B - *glares at her husband*
Mr B - It was you that was in control of the cart, dear. The mailbox has been there for 15 years, and i would have thought you had seen it there at least once in that time....
Mrs B - *glares harder*
Mr B - ....preferably when you were reversing the cart.
Mrs B - Just..... Move.... It!
Mr B - *sighs* Yes dear.
Mrs B - *picks up her shopping and walks into the tavern*
Mr B - *mutters and pulls the mailbox out of the ground, revealing a small hole from the post*........ Females! *pauses*... Did i hear someone shout Four?
*At this point, an apple drops from the sky hitting Mister Brewer squarely on the back of the head and bouncing into the small hole in the ground. Mister Brewer collapses unconcious on the floor*

*High on the hill, the lowly Fleetfoot places another apple on the mound of earth and swings the stick. She misses.*
Moronica - One!
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Moronica is seated at the bar with her new triplets. Jenga is behind the bar, looking extremely glum. Dingus Fleetfoot bursts in after travelling for several months.

Dingus - HEY! You'll never guess what I gone and done.
Moronica - You've got a job?
Dingus - I've got a jo.... Hey, that's not fair! I wanted you to get it wrong.
Moronica - Where are you working Dingus?
Dingus - I can't tell you. It's a secret.
Moronica - Oh. So what job is it?
Dingus - *proudly* Chef!
Moronica - But Dingus, you don't know how to cook.
Dingus - How hard can it be, cousin? One mushroom is the same as another.
Moronica - True.
Jenga - *horrified* No they are not! Some mushrooms are deadly!
Moronica - No they ain't.
Jenga - They are!
Dingus - Don't you raise your voice to my cousin, Jingo.
Jenga - I am not.
Dingus - You are.
Jenga - Am not!
Moronica - Don't argue with Dingus, Jenga.
Jenga - I wasn't.
Dingus - You were.
Jenga -*sighs and rubs his temples*

A moments silence

Dingus - So, how about it then cousin?
Moronica - How about what, cousin?
Dingus - Are you coming too?
Moronica - Where?
Dingus - I ain't allowed to say. Its secret.
Moronica - I can't Dingus. I got to look after Jenga. We still have the wedding date to fix and....
Jenga - Why not sweetest? You go with your cousin and have fun. I will be allright.
Moronica - Thats nice of you Jenga but...
Jenga - I insist. You deserve to travel a bit. Really.... I will be fine.
Moronica - *frowns* Are you trying to get rid of me?
Jenga - No!.... No, no, no no, no, no, NO. I just want what is best for you dearest. Go and spend some time with Dingus. You have missed him so much.
Moronica - *smiles* You are too good for me, Jenga Gamesake.
Jenga - I know.... erm... I mean, Not at all sweetest cherub of mine. *pushing her toward the door* You had better go home and pack. The ship leaves soon, and you don't want to miss it.
Dingus - No need. I packed yer stuff already Cousin.
Jenga - Brilliant thinking Dingus. *genuinely surprised those three words fitted together in a sentence*
Moronica - I will write to you Jengie..... just as soon as I learn how.
Jenga - I will await your sweet words my beautiful.
Moronica - Dingus, give him our address.
Dingus - I can't. It's a secret.
Jenga - Look... there's the ship. Run, before you miss it.

*Dingus and Moronica run for the ship, Jenga eagerly waving them goodbye. As the ship sets sail with the two Fleetfoot cousins aboard, Jenga breathes a deep sigh of relief and wanders into the tavern feeling happier than he had felt since they had arrived in the village.*

*Mrs Brewer is behind the bar*

Mrs Brewer - Where did you get to, Jenga? You left the bar unattended.
Jenga - I was just saying goodbye to Moronica.
Mrs B - Moronica has left the village?
Jenga - *trying to contain has happiness* Yes! I am 'without fleetfoot'.
Mrs B - Didn't she want to take the children with her?
Jenga - *loses his smile and spins round to see 3 babies*
Unnamed Baby One - Waaah!
Unnamed Baby Two - Waaaah. Waaaahh
Unnamed Baby Three - WAAAAAHHHH!!!
Jenga - *twitches*
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 01, 2010 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Missus Brewer walks into the bathroom, where her husband is sat in the bath playing with a wooden duck.*

Mr B - Quack-uack-uack. Dive, duck, dive!!!
Mrs B - What are you doing?
Mr B - *startled as he did not hear her enter* I.... was.... softening the wood on this duck.... so... I... can.... erm.... get rid of the splinters on it easier?
Mrs B - Oh. Maybe thats a good idea.
Mr B - Of course its a good idea. I have lots of good ideas. For example, I married you, my sugary sweetness.
Mrs B - While you are doing that, you can sand down all the window frames.... and the bar. And then you can re-varnish.
Mr B - *sighs* Yes, dear.
Mrs B - But before that, Nurse Fleetfoot and I need to have a word with you.
Nurse Fleetfoot - Yes, its quite important.
Mr B - *startled as he did not see her enter* BY MARCUS' BUNS, WHERE DID YOU SPRING FROM? *covers his 'privacy' with the wooden duck*
Mrs B - Don't shout at the Nurse!
Mr B - I wasn't shouting at the nurse.
Mrs B - You just did!
Mr B - I did not!
Mrs B - Don't argue with me.
Mr B - I am not arguing with you, my dearest!
Mrs B - You are!
Mr B - Am not.
Mrs B - Are too.
Nurse - I have to admit, it sounds like you are arguing.
Mr B - I AM NOT ARGUING!
Mrs B - STOP SHOUTING AT THE NURSE!!
Mr B - I AM NOT SHOUTING!!!

A short moment of silence passes, in which Mister Brewer glances from his wife to the nurse and then back again.

Mr B - *calmly* So, what do I owe the pleasure of your company... in my bathroom... in the middle of my bath?
Mrs B - *a big grin appears on her face* Somone in this room is about to be a father.

at that moment, Mister Brewer releases his grip on the wooden duck and it emerges from the water at such a rate that it bashes Mr B on the nose

Mr B - A FATHER!!? But.... I'm too old to be a father again!
Mrs B - SPRINGTIDE FOOL! *bursts into laughter*
Nurse Fleetfoot - *bursts into laughter*
Mrs B - Oh, the look on your face. It was precious.
Mr B - How was that funny?
Mrs B - Its a Springtide Fool joke. They are always funny.
Nurse - *nods* You really did have a hilarious expression on your face.
Mr B - I am failing to see the funny side. And on top of that, I think Duckie just broke my nose. *winces in pain as he touches his rapidly swelling nose*
Mrs B - It was just a joke.
Mr B - Well, dearest, it was not a funny one. Perhaps you could get the Nurse to look at your funny bone as I think it may be broken.
Mrs B - Well, I can see you woke up on the grumpy side of the bed this morning. If you want me, I will be shopping! *turns and storms out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her*
Mr B - *looks at the Nurse*
Nurse - *looks at Mr Brewer*
Mr B - GET OUT!!
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 10:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Missus Brewer is washing dishes early in the morning, before the Tavern opens for business. Her husband has gone fishing, so she is home alone when there is a knock at the door.

Mrs B - Who can that be at this early hour? *dries her hands on her skirt and opens the front door*
Stranger - *wearing a huge floppy hat and uniform, with a big moustache that almost looks fake* Is this the Brewers Droop Tavern?
Mrs B - It is.
Stranger - At last!. Do you know how hard this village is to find?
Mrs B - It's not THAT hard to find. I find it every day just by opening the curtains.
Stranger - Ahahaha. Very drole. Anyway, I have a bag of mail from the Annakol postal service for a Mrs Brewer? Would that be you?
Mrs B - Mail? For me? From Annakol?
Stranger - If you can sign here, to show you have recieved the delivery.

*The post-hin shoves a document at her with a graphite stick, and Mrs B signs. Then he goes to his pony and drags a huge sack to the door.

Mrs B - This is all for me?
Post-Hin - It is. Some of it is years old. We just didn't know how to find you, because someone forgot to put your village on a map.
Mrs B - Thankyou. *closes the door after taking the sack of mail*
Post-Hin - *grins* Thats phase one of the plan complete.

Several hours later, Mister Brewer returns to the tavern with a big grin and an even bigger fish. He hadn't caught it. The stupid fish had simply jumped from the river onto the bank, and Mister Brewer had seized the opportunity. Of course, he would tell everyone that he had battled the fish for hours to land it.... like any good fisherman.

Mr B - Hello Dear. Can you prepare this fish for supper?
Mrs B - Not tonight dear. I am going out.
Mr B - *deflated* Going out? Where?
Mrs B - A place called Dahke. Apparantly it is a wonderful place just like this.
Mr B - Where!?
Mrs B - Dahke.
Mr B - Why?
Mrs B - I got mail.
Mr B - Mail? From who?
Mrs B - Whom dear. The correct pronunciation would be 'From whom'.
Mr B - But.... I caught a fish!
Mrs B - *glances at the fish* No you didn't. Your fishing line would have snapped if you had snagged a fish that size.
Mr B - *even more deflated* But why are you going to this 'other' place?
Mrs B - I told you. I got mail.
Mr B - From who?
Mrs B - *glares*
Mr B - *sighs* From whom?
Mrs B - From my long lost Uncle. Travelling Ted.
Mr B - Whom?
Mrs B - Who.
Mr B - What?
Mrs B - In that case, the correct usage would be 'who'.
Mr B - *grits his teeth* Allright, DEAR. Who..... is Travelling Ted?
Mrs B - He's my uncle. His name is Ted and he likes to Travel. I have not seen him for years. In fact he left the village shortly before I met you.
Mr B - You have never mentioned him before.
Mrs B - Yes I have dear. Many times. I do wish you would listen.
Mr B - Hmm? *distracted by his rumbling stomach*
Mrs B - All these years I had thought he was lost, and suddenly all these letters turn up at once. It sounds like he has been to so many places and seen so many things. He says he is now in a village called Dahke and that he has over 50 million gold coins which he needs to put into a bank account, but he cannot use his own account because of some reason I didn't quite understand.
Mr B - Bank account? What is that?
Mrs B - I have no idea, but its 50 million gold dear. *a sparkle appears in her eyes* He says I can have half of it, just for putting it through my account.
Mr B - *drops his fish*
Mrs B - So, all I need to do is go to Annakol and open an account. Then go to Dahke and meet him there.
Mr B - When do we leave?
Mrs B - Pardon dear?
Mr B - When do we leave ?
Mrs B - Oh, I have strict instructions to go alone. You can't come dear.
Mr B - *even more deflated* But....
Mrs B - No arguments. Just think, when I get back, all our financial worries will be over.
Mr B - But sweetness. Its dangerous out there. *points in the general direction of the village gate.* There are things out there that are all... Grrr... and *snarls*. Besides, I only have one financial worry, and I am looking at her. *smile*
Mrs B - *sighs* Okay, you can come but when I go to meet my uncle, you will have to go fishing or something.
Mr B - *suddenly grins, happiness bursting from every pore* I will go and pack.

An hour later, a notice can be seen on the Tavern door which simply says... 'Gone Fishing. Back soon.'

As they are about to leave, Mister Brewer chuckles to himself and drops his fake post-hin uniform, floppy hat and false moustache into the cellar. 'I am beginning to like this Springtime Fool lark' he thinks to himself as he gathers his fishing equipment and loads up the cart.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Brewers return from their 'fishing trip'. However, neither of them speak.
Mister Brewer slumps into a chair and cradles his broken fishing rod.
Missus Brewer storms into the kitchen and makes herself a cup of blackberry and nettle tea.


Mister B - *to himself* Stoopid Springtide Fools jokes.

Mrs Brewer returns from the kitchen, drinks her hot tea in two gulps and then turns to her husband.

Mrs B - I am going shopping and I am putting everything on your tab. Do you have a problem with that?
Mr B - Do I have a choice?
Mrs B - No.
Mr B - Dear? How long are you going to stay mad at me?
Mrs B - *takes a deep breath and gets a grip on her anger* It took you thirteen days to tell me that the whole trip was a joke! THIRTEEN days of you and your stupid fishing rod.
Mr B - My BROKEN fishing rod, you mean? *scowls accusatively at his wife*
Mrs B - You got off lightly. *glares*
Mr B - *gulp*

Mrs Brewer turns and marches out of the tavern, heading toward the market. She decided that when she got back, she would let the matter drop.... so long as her husband didnt do anything else that was stupid.

Mr B - *shouting out of the tavern window* If they have any nice fishing rods, can you pick me one up dear?
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 03, 2010 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Missus Brewer hurries home after a mornings shopping. She is eager to get home because, when she had left earlier, her husband was acting suspiciously 'casual'.

Entering the tavern, she is surprised to discover all the curtains are closed and the bar is in complete darkness.

Suddenly, curtains open and light floods in.


Mr B & Jenga - "Surprise!"
Mrs B - *screams* "What in the name of Marcus are you doing, jumping out on people like that?"
Mr B - "Happy Birthday Dear" *moves forward to kiss her cheek*
Jenga - "Happy Birthday Mrs B."
Mrs B - "But.... my birthday is in three months."
Mr B - "Is it? Are you sure?"
Jenga - "I told you, Mr B."
Mr B - "But.... I baked a cake!"
Mrs B - "You!? You baked!? This is something I have got to see."
Jenga - *steps to the side revealing the largest cake imaginable*

The cake is a marvel to behold. Six tiers of cake, each intricately edged with nut brittle, chocolate shells, sugared almonds and candies of all descriptions. The surface of each tier is decorated lke a picnic blanket and strewn with miniature cakes, whilst the top tier is adorned with a big candied chocolate heart.

Mrs B - *stares, mouth agape.*
Mr B - "Did we go over the top?"
Mrs B - "You made this?"
Mr B - "Yes, dear."
Mrs B - "All by yourself? You didn't get any help?"
Mr B - "Well, Jenga helped a little."
Jenga - "I held the stepladder Mrs B."
Mrs B - "I am astonished. I still remember the day you tried to barbeque ice cubes."
Mr B - "So, you like it?"
Mrs B - "I love it, dear. Oh, that reminds me.... I have a gift for you too."
Mr B - "For me, dear? *Mister Brewers eyes light up as his wife holds out a new, good quality, fishing rod.*
Mrs B - "Happy Anniversary dear."
Mr B - "Pardon dear?"
Mrs B - "Happy Anniversary."
Mr B - "When?"
Mrs B - "Today, dear. Did you forget again?"
*there is an awkward moment of silence*

Mr B - *points at the cake* Surprise!. Happy anniversary!!
Jenga - Good recovery, Mister B.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mister and Missus Brewer are sitting by the village well, looking up at the moon and stars. Hand-in-hand, they snuggle and everything seems wonderful....

Mrs B - You remember when we went to that Longshanks City?
Mr B - Pardon Dear?
Mrs B - That Longshanks City. What was it called?
Mr B - Oh, Annakol?
Mrs B - Yes, thats it.

A moments silence passes as Missus Brewer gazes at the moon, pondering and musing.

Mrs B - Which is closer, do you think? Annakol City or the Moon?
Mr B - What a silly question dear.
Mrs B - Is it?
Mr B - Well of course it is. Look at it this way....
Mrs B - *gazes at her husband and waits for words of wisdom*
Mr B - .... Can you see Annakol City?
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